Infinite

 

"Some infinities and bigger than other infinities...I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and for that I am grateful".                      -John Green

I will be on a very long hiatus or this could be my very last entry here. I realized that this blog hasn't been about everything-under-the-sun but more of a heart-matters-kinda-thing. And so far, I think my heart's in a place where it should be and I couldn't ask for more. There could have been more - there always could have been more, but I chose to not dwell anymore on the what-ifs and what-could've-beens. I should and must be living in the "now" - embracing what I have and letting go of things that didn't went well. 8 years of writing here is already my little infinity.

As a mature adult that I am now. The journey is all about career, motherhood and family life. Maybe someday I might write again, who knows. I am excited for the surprises that will come from hereon.

So long...

Cheers to closing chapters and opening new ones.

 

Signing off,

- jamittLe -



My playlist for the one that got away...

“The one that got away” is an ex who has an exalted place among your past loves. They are the one you focus about. They are the one who floats to the surface of your thoughts when you are trying to sleep, the one you can still picture a future with — in a parallel universe. You just aren’t sure whether it’s the universe you’re supposed to exist in or whether you belong right here in reality. - Emily Madriga

This struck me deep. And I swear, I can't put into words what I want to say. Uhm, okay... This may be too late to say. We both know that whatever's written here will not change the fact that we're both happily married now. It's just that I had thought that maybe we could've made it together as lovers back then if it weren't because of some things beyond our control - fate. Despite the fact that you were'nt my EX, you're the only one I could think of who fits the description. For me, you're the one that got away. It was just not meant to be.

 

We never had any closure. Though we remained friends after our "almost-relationship", we never talked about it. Our past was left hanging there - it's like we left a cocoon and never looked back. Until life happened, and burnt the remaining bridge between.

 

This is my only medium to finally talk to you, through the songs I listen to 'cause the lyrics speak the words I failed to say to you...

 
The One that Got Away by Katy Perry. In another life, I would be your girl. We'd keep all our promises, be us against the world. In another life, I would make you stay.
- Just maybe... I dunno. God only knows what's in store for us in another life.

Still by Brian McKnight. I still think about you, I still dream about you.

- Yeah, you would sometimes enter my mind without any reason at all. Seldom, there was you in my dream. We really can't control that, aren't we? I wonder if I, too, ever crossed your mind?

Walk Away by Paula DeAnda. I can't explain this feeling, I think about it everyday and even though we've moved on, it gets so hard to walk away.

- I know for sure you still have that soft spot in my heart. That I still hope you're happy and  I pray for you always. Even if the love has long been gone.

 
Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda by Brian McKnight. You could've been a better man I needed but we know we can't go back 'cause now it's just too late.
- We can never tell what would've happened years back. You could've been better than my past lovers but you weren't consistent back then.  

So Cold by Paula DeAnda. Ain't it cold when the one you love lets you go, and you got no one to hold, yeah yeah, that's the way you made me feel.
- During the last months, I felt ignored and taken for granted. You chose to set me aside, and made me an option - not your priority.

Almost by Tamia. Can you tell me how can one miss what she never had. How could I reminisce when there is no past. How could I have memories being happy with you, boy. Can someone tell me how can this be? How could my mind pull up incidents, recall dates and times that never happened. How could we celebrate love that's too late. And how could I really mean the words I'm about to say? I miss the times that we almost shared, I miss the love that was almost there... I miss the love that we never had. What happened to us? We were almost there...
- We almost had it... almost...

Almost is Never Enough by Ariana Grande (with Nathan Sykes). I'd like to say we gave it a try, I'd like to blame it all on life. Maybe we just weren't right, but that's a lie, that's a lie. And we can deny it as much as we want. But in time our feelings will show. 'Cause sooner or later we'll wonder why we gave up, the truth is everyone knows. Almost, almost is never enough, so close to being inlove. If I would've known that you wanted me, the way I wanted you, then maybe we wouldn't be two worlds apart but right here in each other's arms.
- Hmmmm. need I say more?
 

Gotta Move on by Tamia.  Baby let me know if you want me, I really want to know if you want me, and if don't tell me something.. I gotta move on.
- I've been asking myself if you really did care. You were inconsistent. There were days when you were so caring and so sweet. Yet, sometimes you were snub. We never had the chance to talk... until we drifted apart.
 

Broken Strings by James Morrison. Oh, it tears me up, i tried to hold on but it hurts too much. I tried to forgive but it was not enough to make it all okay. We can't play on broken strings. You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel. I can't tell you something that ain't real. Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse. How can I give anymore? When I love you a little less than before.
- Circumstances made me gave up. I didn't hold on tighter... I, then, replaced you because I had to. I realized that you won't be there to catch my fall.
 

Separated by Usher. If love was a sport, we're not on the same team... you and I were destined to lose... Boy, I know we had some good times. It's sad to know we gotta say goodbye. You know how much i loved you I can't deny. Can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I. I know it hurt so much but it's best for us. Somewhere along this windy road, we lost the trust... and we're better off separated.
- The moment I realized that you don't differ from my pasts, I decided to look for someone who will love me more than you could do. That was the best for us. Because as you can see now, we're both happy with our own, separate lives.

Someone's Always Saying Goodbye By Allona. Someone's always saying goodbye. I believe it hurts when we cry. Don't you know, parting's never so easy. And with all the achings inside. I believe some hearts won't survive, trying hard to pretend that they're gonna be fine.
- Yes, that was never easy. To let go and move on. But we did it. We have both moved on. To be together isn't destined for us. We're just fated to love and get hurt and find the one we will truly love.


Funny, I still can remember the songs you used to play for me, too. On how you randomly posted status or sms me song titles like Single, Beer, Go on Girl, Girl, Sana di na lang... We're both like that, we communicate through songs and I'm glad we had that unique way of telling each other's feelings. Sometimes, I miss it. I miss the way we used to be. Whenever I hear the song Ulan by Eraserheads, I can't help but remember the moment when we're standing together under the rain, sharing an umbrella. Oh, the past. Sorry, can't help but reminisce.

Moving on, I would like to thank you for all you've done years back. I wanted to apologize for all the pains and heartaches I've caused you (if there's any? baka naman nag-assume lang ako). I didn't think you cried for me because I knew you're tough. No doubt, our paths will always intertwine. I would love to see you smile or just nod and that's enough for me to know that we're good. Just one smile... and I'l be glad to return the favor.

I hope in time we could be back to being friends, not strangers. And we could both say together the phrase, "Let bygones be bygones". :)
 

 

- jamittle -

082515



One great love compared to one true love...

 

One great love is a love whose intensity is so great that regardless of how long time has passed couldn't dampen the feelings you had. It's the kind of love you'll never forget. The one you have to let go, because sometimes, love is not enough. It's heartbreaking to let go but it's just not worth fighting for. Fate has a way of playing with your hearts. You can never have each other 'cause you're both better off separated. Yet after so many years, it's so hard to ignore the spark when your eyes meet again. But then again, you have to suppress the feelings and move on with your own happy lives and just be happy for each other. 

On the other hand, one true love is a love enduring commitment, maturity and constant communication. The one you end up with and built a happy life together. The relationship made from a strong foundation of love, trust, respect and time for each other. The only one who stand by you through thick and thin; through sunny days and stormy ones; the one you vow to love until death takes you apart.

 

In any given lifetime, you may experience both love. Lucky, if your one great love is also your one true love. In my case, they were different persons I fell in love with. 

- jamittle -

072715

my favorite "almost"

I've read somewhere that everyone has an ex they still think about. I think so, too. Even when I did not intend to. Oftentimes when I'm just riding for a short or long travel, I'd stare at the window and reminisce the good times. It's always him that comes to my mind. So why him? It could be any of my pasts, but why him? Come to think about it, I may have a handful of "MUs" before but I never think about them. Oh yeah maybe a couple of times, but when I do, it's platonic - no feelings involved. And him? He's not even my ex. Well, technically he's an ex-almost 'cause we're almost there until it suddenly ended, he's my hardest unofficial goodbye. It's just him who has the distinct impact in me until now. When I dreamed of him and woke up from that dream, I wanted to go back to that very same dream with the hopes that our story will have a different ending - a happy one.

In real life, our story didn't exist - almost but never did. This world of us, it's only in my mind now. The reality is that we don't belong together anymore. We are two worlds apart. I know he has moved on and I, as well; though deep inside it's so hard to walk away.

 

- jamittle -

 



little thoughts about living, loving & learning

 

You may notice I posted a bunch of old entries from my old Friendster account. I heard Friendster will soon close and reformat its site. I'm afraid my articles will be forever gone so I decided to repost them here. :)

These articles are part of me and I can't bear to think that I'd never read them again.

-jamittle-

050311

i am living in an ordinary world with ordinary people

this ordinary people bring extraordinary things to me

i can say that sometimes, i am invisible through the eyes of them

sometimes, i am the center of their conversations

little do they know, i can hear what they say about me

not literally, but deep inside of me

i know…

…if they like me or not

…if they need me or they just want to use me

…if they care or they just want to show off

…if they love me, or just want to hurt me

…if they’ll stay or suddenly leave

i am what i am

what you see is what you get

what i have is what i give

what you give is what i take

that’s LIVING.

i have lived for twenty-one years now

i experienced a lot of pains, struggles and sufferings

i have felt sadness and happiness,

of solitude and tranquility…

i have gained what i should gain

and let go of something i should never have

there’s a definite pain in holding on

and worst in letting go…

i have done that so many times

and i am used to it..

in terms of loving, i am a fool

but i am not a LOSER.

i am born to love and not to hate

i guess being left behind

is the price i pay for loving with all my heart…

that’s LOVING…

and who would ever say i am a loser?

nobody has the right to call me one

because all these years

i never give up on love

i get tired, i swear!

but i never give up…

i always have the courage to stand up

after a fall

to face the laughing world

i am not ashamed of what life has brought me

i am thankful for that

because i know something’s waiting for me

i am still walking and taking my journey

experience is my teacher

that’s LEARNING…

someday we’ll meet, i know

i don’t know you but i assure you

you’ll be part of my life…

till then…

SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS.. :)

- jamittLe -

victory and defeat

posted: 030310

In love, the hardest to compete with is… the one BEFORE you!

“I wish he’ll choose me over her… which I doubt will happen”.

These are the words I once said. I really didn’t think that it will happen too soon. I’ve been fighting a faceless battle. I’ve been competing with a person I’ve never met. We were both doing our best to win, and get the price.

Funny how we both did all we can just to grab a hold of only one person we’re both in love with. We compete for his time, his love, his care, his hugs, his kisses and for his heart. I didn’t want to have just a part of him, but him as a whole.

I said, I can’t and I won’t let her win. That even though I know that it’s a win-lose situation, I still held on. She has the all the advantages against me. I was the challenger; I only have my heart to fight until the end.

I was emotionally inclined to having him as mine… only mine. For almost four months, I’ve been thinking… what if it did happen? What if I won? Would I be happy knowing there’s someone out there, crying and been broken by my selfish intentions? Or would it be the other way around that I would be left broken, crying for I have lost the fight?

The fight is over. Somebody won. Somebody got the price. Someone was in grief, suffering from pure melancholy while someone was happy, feeling a pure bliss.

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting that I’ll win. I was expecting otherwise, `cause of the fact that I have nothing but him to fight for. What was 3 months compare to an almost one year of being together? They’ve been through a lot of happy memories. His family knew her and like her… Me? They know nothing about me and I don’t think they’d be interested to know me when they found out that I’ve been the reason why they separate ways.

It’s all I ever wanted. To own the only person who made me happy as ever. He chose me over her because he loves me. That’s a fact. But why am I not so sure about this game anymore? Am I being too afraid to find out that he’s right when he said, “I don’t know if you can make me as happy as she made me or if you can make me happier than that”? Those words stroked right through my heart. He then said, “Hopefully, it’s worth my sacrifice of letting go of her for you… all I know is that I love you that’s why I chose you”.

I can still sense the pain of him leaving that girl behind. I can still feel the love he has for her. I can still see right through his eyes the pain of not having her around. He got used to be with her for almost a year and I just took him away from her. It’s his choice, I know, but he made that decision because he needed to even if he didn’t want to.

It hurts knowing he can’t move on yet. He cut the connections between them, no more communications. But I feel I making him remember her sometimes, in a way I didn’t intend to.

It is really too selfish to ask him to try to forget all about her. All I want to ask is that, may he let me prove to him how much I want to be part of his life. After all, if he thinks I could never give him the happiness he wanted, why on earth did I hold on for so long? I should’ve just given up and let her win. I can also make him happy in my own way, and not according to the shadows of his past.

I still feel insecure, scared that he might realize that he made a mistake by choosing me. I am the winner but still, in terms of all the things they’ve shared together, I feel defeated. I feel weak every time we talk about her, afraid that he might tell me that I’m nothing compare to her. Or am I just so stupid to think about it. Or maybe, I am really just the insecure one!

Now, all I can say is that, I am not giving up. Not now… never. He can give me up and that’s the time I will then. But as long as we’re together, I’ll still be fighting. A new battle has started and it is between us and our fate.

- jamittle -

030310

my new present found along the less traveled path

posted: 121509

From my previous entry, in order to change my future, I decided to take a different path, the road less traveled. However, during that time, my heart is still stronger than my will… that I can’t even let go of my present, until I found a reason to move on to another path.

I can hardly explain this sudden change of heart. All I can say is I met someone who caused me to finally learn to let go of the present and face the unknown future. And this was totally unexpected. He is the person who changed my life.

In him, I found someone who can get me out of where my heart was stuck. He has the potential to steal me from my miserable present. I didn’t have the plans of stealing him from his girl, nor try destroying their relationship. It’s just that, we’re close and I was afraid, either or both of us will fall… and we both did.

I didn’t mean to wreck someone else’s relationship. I am a just and fair person; I don’t want others to suffer due to my childish acts. For a moment, I am rationally arguing with myself, saying, “Girl, you are on the wrong track! Better turn right!” But a feeling of happiness invaded my rationality and without thinking twice, I took the plunge.

Forgive me as I tell this story. I knew all along, I am being devilish, who wants to share for someone’s piece of sweet cake. But when love strikes the heart, there’s nothing you can do but to give in. That’s what I did. Though I knew that I can never be the only one in his life, I took the risk and I took a chance. I can never call myself his girl `cause from what people knew, he has a girlfriend. Instead, he called me his “wife”. how flattering it is to be called wife when in fact in fact, I’m the mistress!

I knew I can cope up with this complicated set up. This decision I’ve made, I have no regrets. I love him enough. Enough, that it caused me to enter in this kind of situation. I ain’t had no one who made me feel loved the way he did. I can feel that he’s true in every word he said, in every move he made, and in every effort he exerted.

So what is our set up? I am his wife, she is his girl. I am the secret one, she is the legal one. I am the one he loves, but not the one he’s officially committed to and she is otherwise. She got to spend the weekdays with him, without her knowing that for the rest of the week, he’s mine. I knew about her, she didn’t have even the slightest idea about me.

He can’t give up any of us. He’s afraid that when his girl discovered the truth and leave him, I will leave him, too. And it is too much to bear for him. I told him, I’ll put myself where I am expected to be. I won’t even try to destroy their relationship. We’ll just enjoy each others company. And when the time comes for him to decide who to choose, I told him there’s no pressure. He can give me up and I will let him go. Besides, I don’t have the right to fight against the legal one. I will just lose the battle.

Who am I to fight against the girl his entire family knew? I will just be the “villain” and I don’t want to be called such.

Where would this love affair lead us? That, I don’t know. He told me, he’s more afraid to lose me than to lose her. But I knew deep inside, he’s more afraid to lose both of us and be left with no one.

Still, I am hoping he’ll choose me over her, which I doubt will happen.

Is this the future I wanted? Is this the price I pay for not sticking to my miserable present and finding my new future?

Well, I am always on the side of no regrets. Whatever happens, this is my decision which I am responsible to withstand the consequences.

- jamittle -

110909

* sorry for the late posting. I am not proud of stealing somebody’s possession and I am not proud of telling the world how BITCH I am. Thanks for those who can understand and sorry for those who condemn.