victory and defeat

posted: 030310

In love, the hardest to compete with is… the one BEFORE you!

“I wish he’ll choose me over her… which I doubt will happen”.

These are the words I once said. I really didn’t think that it will happen too soon. I’ve been fighting a faceless battle. I’ve been competing with a person I’ve never met. We were both doing our best to win, and get the price.

Funny how we both did all we can just to grab a hold of only one person we’re both in love with. We compete for his time, his love, his care, his hugs, his kisses and for his heart. I didn’t want to have just a part of him, but him as a whole.

I said, I can’t and I won’t let her win. That even though I know that it’s a win-lose situation, I still held on. She has the all the advantages against me. I was the challenger; I only have my heart to fight until the end.

I was emotionally inclined to having him as mine… only mine. For almost four months, I’ve been thinking… what if it did happen? What if I won? Would I be happy knowing there’s someone out there, crying and been broken by my selfish intentions? Or would it be the other way around that I would be left broken, crying for I have lost the fight?

The fight is over. Somebody won. Somebody got the price. Someone was in grief, suffering from pure melancholy while someone was happy, feeling a pure bliss.

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting that I’ll win. I was expecting otherwise, `cause of the fact that I have nothing but him to fight for. What was 3 months compare to an almost one year of being together? They’ve been through a lot of happy memories. His family knew her and like her… Me? They know nothing about me and I don’t think they’d be interested to know me when they found out that I’ve been the reason why they separate ways.

It’s all I ever wanted. To own the only person who made me happy as ever. He chose me over her because he loves me. That’s a fact. But why am I not so sure about this game anymore? Am I being too afraid to find out that he’s right when he said, “I don’t know if you can make me as happy as she made me or if you can make me happier than that”? Those words stroked right through my heart. He then said, “Hopefully, it’s worth my sacrifice of letting go of her for you… all I know is that I love you that’s why I chose you”.

I can still sense the pain of him leaving that girl behind. I can still feel the love he has for her. I can still see right through his eyes the pain of not having her around. He got used to be with her for almost a year and I just took him away from her. It’s his choice, I know, but he made that decision because he needed to even if he didn’t want to.

It hurts knowing he can’t move on yet. He cut the connections between them, no more communications. But I feel I making him remember her sometimes, in a way I didn’t intend to.

It is really too selfish to ask him to try to forget all about her. All I want to ask is that, may he let me prove to him how much I want to be part of his life. After all, if he thinks I could never give him the happiness he wanted, why on earth did I hold on for so long? I should’ve just given up and let her win. I can also make him happy in my own way, and not according to the shadows of his past.

I still feel insecure, scared that he might realize that he made a mistake by choosing me. I am the winner but still, in terms of all the things they’ve shared together, I feel defeated. I feel weak every time we talk about her, afraid that he might tell me that I’m nothing compare to her. Or am I just so stupid to think about it. Or maybe, I am really just the insecure one!

Now, all I can say is that, I am not giving up. Not now… never. He can give me up and that’s the time I will then. But as long as we’re together, I’ll still be fighting. A new battle has started and it is between us and our fate.

- jamittle -

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