my favorite "almost"

I've read somewhere that everyone has an ex they still think about. I think so, too. Even when I did not intend to. Oftentimes when I'm just riding for a short or long travel, I'd stare at the window and reminisce the good times. It's always him that comes to my mind. So why him? It could be any of my pasts, but why him? Come to think about it, I may have a handful of "MUs" before but I never think about them. Oh yeah maybe a couple of times, but when I do, it's platonic - no feelings involved. And him? He's not even my ex. Well, technically he's an ex-almost 'cause we're almost there until it suddenly ended, he's my hardest unofficial goodbye. It's just him who has the distinct impact in me until now. When I dreamed of him and woke up from that dream, I wanted to go back to that very same dream with the hopes that our story will have a different ending - a happy one.

In real life, our story didn't exist - almost but never did. This world of us, it's only in my mind now. The reality is that we don't belong together anymore. We are two worlds apart. I know he has moved on and I, as well; though deep inside it's so hard to walk away.

 

- jamittle -

 



little thoughts about living, loving & learning

 

You may notice I posted a bunch of old entries from my old Friendster account. I heard Friendster will soon close and reformat its site. I'm afraid my articles will be forever gone so I decided to repost them here. :)

These articles are part of me and I can't bear to think that I'd never read them again.

-jamittle-

050311

i am living in an ordinary world with ordinary people

this ordinary people bring extraordinary things to me

i can say that sometimes, i am invisible through the eyes of them

sometimes, i am the center of their conversations

little do they know, i can hear what they say about me

not literally, but deep inside of me

i know…

…if they like me or not

…if they need me or they just want to use me

…if they care or they just want to show off

…if they love me, or just want to hurt me

…if they’ll stay or suddenly leave

i am what i am

what you see is what you get

what i have is what i give

what you give is what i take

that’s LIVING.

i have lived for twenty-one years now

i experienced a lot of pains, struggles and sufferings

i have felt sadness and happiness,

of solitude and tranquility…

i have gained what i should gain

and let go of something i should never have

there’s a definite pain in holding on

and worst in letting go…

i have done that so many times

and i am used to it..

in terms of loving, i am a fool

but i am not a LOSER.

i am born to love and not to hate

i guess being left behind

is the price i pay for loving with all my heart…

that’s LOVING…

and who would ever say i am a loser?

nobody has the right to call me one

because all these years

i never give up on love

i get tired, i swear!

but i never give up…

i always have the courage to stand up

after a fall

to face the laughing world

i am not ashamed of what life has brought me

i am thankful for that

because i know something’s waiting for me

i am still walking and taking my journey

experience is my teacher

that’s LEARNING…

someday we’ll meet, i know

i don’t know you but i assure you

you’ll be part of my life…

till then…

SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS.. :)

- jamittLe -

victory and defeat

posted: 030310

In love, the hardest to compete with is… the one BEFORE you!

“I wish he’ll choose me over her… which I doubt will happen”.

These are the words I once said. I really didn’t think that it will happen too soon. I’ve been fighting a faceless battle. I’ve been competing with a person I’ve never met. We were both doing our best to win, and get the price.

Funny how we both did all we can just to grab a hold of only one person we’re both in love with. We compete for his time, his love, his care, his hugs, his kisses and for his heart. I didn’t want to have just a part of him, but him as a whole.

I said, I can’t and I won’t let her win. That even though I know that it’s a win-lose situation, I still held on. She has the all the advantages against me. I was the challenger; I only have my heart to fight until the end.

I was emotionally inclined to having him as mine… only mine. For almost four months, I’ve been thinking… what if it did happen? What if I won? Would I be happy knowing there’s someone out there, crying and been broken by my selfish intentions? Or would it be the other way around that I would be left broken, crying for I have lost the fight?

The fight is over. Somebody won. Somebody got the price. Someone was in grief, suffering from pure melancholy while someone was happy, feeling a pure bliss.

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting that I’ll win. I was expecting otherwise, `cause of the fact that I have nothing but him to fight for. What was 3 months compare to an almost one year of being together? They’ve been through a lot of happy memories. His family knew her and like her… Me? They know nothing about me and I don’t think they’d be interested to know me when they found out that I’ve been the reason why they separate ways.

It’s all I ever wanted. To own the only person who made me happy as ever. He chose me over her because he loves me. That’s a fact. But why am I not so sure about this game anymore? Am I being too afraid to find out that he’s right when he said, “I don’t know if you can make me as happy as she made me or if you can make me happier than that”? Those words stroked right through my heart. He then said, “Hopefully, it’s worth my sacrifice of letting go of her for you… all I know is that I love you that’s why I chose you”.

I can still sense the pain of him leaving that girl behind. I can still feel the love he has for her. I can still see right through his eyes the pain of not having her around. He got used to be with her for almost a year and I just took him away from her. It’s his choice, I know, but he made that decision because he needed to even if he didn’t want to.

It hurts knowing he can’t move on yet. He cut the connections between them, no more communications. But I feel I making him remember her sometimes, in a way I didn’t intend to.

It is really too selfish to ask him to try to forget all about her. All I want to ask is that, may he let me prove to him how much I want to be part of his life. After all, if he thinks I could never give him the happiness he wanted, why on earth did I hold on for so long? I should’ve just given up and let her win. I can also make him happy in my own way, and not according to the shadows of his past.

I still feel insecure, scared that he might realize that he made a mistake by choosing me. I am the winner but still, in terms of all the things they’ve shared together, I feel defeated. I feel weak every time we talk about her, afraid that he might tell me that I’m nothing compare to her. Or am I just so stupid to think about it. Or maybe, I am really just the insecure one!

Now, all I can say is that, I am not giving up. Not now… never. He can give me up and that’s the time I will then. But as long as we’re together, I’ll still be fighting. A new battle has started and it is between us and our fate.

- jamittle -

030310

my new present found along the less traveled path

posted: 121509

From my previous entry, in order to change my future, I decided to take a different path, the road less traveled. However, during that time, my heart is still stronger than my will… that I can’t even let go of my present, until I found a reason to move on to another path.

I can hardly explain this sudden change of heart. All I can say is I met someone who caused me to finally learn to let go of the present and face the unknown future. And this was totally unexpected. He is the person who changed my life.

In him, I found someone who can get me out of where my heart was stuck. He has the potential to steal me from my miserable present. I didn’t have the plans of stealing him from his girl, nor try destroying their relationship. It’s just that, we’re close and I was afraid, either or both of us will fall… and we both did.

I didn’t mean to wreck someone else’s relationship. I am a just and fair person; I don’t want others to suffer due to my childish acts. For a moment, I am rationally arguing with myself, saying, “Girl, you are on the wrong track! Better turn right!” But a feeling of happiness invaded my rationality and without thinking twice, I took the plunge.

Forgive me as I tell this story. I knew all along, I am being devilish, who wants to share for someone’s piece of sweet cake. But when love strikes the heart, there’s nothing you can do but to give in. That’s what I did. Though I knew that I can never be the only one in his life, I took the risk and I took a chance. I can never call myself his girl `cause from what people knew, he has a girlfriend. Instead, he called me his “wife”. how flattering it is to be called wife when in fact in fact, I’m the mistress!

I knew I can cope up with this complicated set up. This decision I’ve made, I have no regrets. I love him enough. Enough, that it caused me to enter in this kind of situation. I ain’t had no one who made me feel loved the way he did. I can feel that he’s true in every word he said, in every move he made, and in every effort he exerted.

So what is our set up? I am his wife, she is his girl. I am the secret one, she is the legal one. I am the one he loves, but not the one he’s officially committed to and she is otherwise. She got to spend the weekdays with him, without her knowing that for the rest of the week, he’s mine. I knew about her, she didn’t have even the slightest idea about me.

He can’t give up any of us. He’s afraid that when his girl discovered the truth and leave him, I will leave him, too. And it is too much to bear for him. I told him, I’ll put myself where I am expected to be. I won’t even try to destroy their relationship. We’ll just enjoy each others company. And when the time comes for him to decide who to choose, I told him there’s no pressure. He can give me up and I will let him go. Besides, I don’t have the right to fight against the legal one. I will just lose the battle.

Who am I to fight against the girl his entire family knew? I will just be the “villain” and I don’t want to be called such.

Where would this love affair lead us? That, I don’t know. He told me, he’s more afraid to lose me than to lose her. But I knew deep inside, he’s more afraid to lose both of us and be left with no one.

Still, I am hoping he’ll choose me over her, which I doubt will happen.

Is this the future I wanted? Is this the price I pay for not sticking to my miserable present and finding my new future?

Well, I am always on the side of no regrets. Whatever happens, this is my decision which I am responsible to withstand the consequences.

- jamittle -

110909

* sorry for the late posting. I am not proud of stealing somebody’s possession and I am not proud of telling the world how BITCH I am. Thanks for those who can understand and sorry for those who condemn.

if i were the player

posted: 081109

i’ve never been an athlete, running in the field.

i’ve never been a volleyball player, jumping to block the ball.

i’ve never been a basketball player, shooting for goals.

i’ve always been a cheer leader, using my voice to encourage the player.

But then..

I DREAMED TO BE THE PLAYER.

I want to run fast and be first on the finish line… champion in your heart.

I want to jump high and block the spikes of pain and heartaches.

i want to grab and steal your heart from my rivals.

i just don’t want to be the one you’ll hear shouting your name, but you won’t even notice as there as so many of us cheering our hearts out.

i’m always hoping you’ll glance by my way after your 3-point shot.

I WANT TO BE THE PLAYER.

i want to feel important when the crowd is cheering.

i want to experience being fouled onto, so i can have the ball and have a chance to take a shot…

a chance to shoot for my goal — your heart!

UNFORTUNATELY,

i’m not a fast runner, i can’t run and chase after you.

i don’t have the strength to spike and deliver an ace service.

i have no guts to rebound you from a failed attempt of my opponent.

I WON’T BE ABLE TO WIN THE GAME.

So i guess, i will forever be BEHIND YOUR CROWD.

i’ll just be watching from the bleachers.

i will SHOUT for your name NO MORE.

i will no longer be wishing you’d take a look at me during time-outs.

when your game ends, so is my role being your cheerer.

this i tell you now..

QUIT PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART!

- jamittle -

081109

my heart's METAPHORS

posted: 080709

don’t just wait `til the water runs dry.

or when i’m already frozen.

you may not even know how cold those days were.

and I HATE THOSE COLD STORMY NIGHTS!

it must have been what I had HOPE months ago, but THIS TIME.. i suddenly think, it might be over.

it must have been good, but somehow, we might lose it.

and i might give up.

- jamittle -

080709

*METHAPHOR: A figure of speech “in which one thing, idea, or action is referred to by a word or expression normally denoting another thing, idea, or action, so as to suggest some common quality shared by the two. (google)

great PRETENDER

posted: 080509

I’ve been trying to ignore the coldness this past few days,

but there’s much so I feel my heart is frozen deep within.

I’ve been trying to think there’ll be sunshine in the next few days,

but still it’s raining hard.

I’ve been trying to smile to mask the pain,

but all I do is frown deep inside.

I’ve been trying to face every morning in an optimistic view,

but the day just seem to end in a negative way.

I’ve been trying to shout for joy,

but my heart is screaming from pain.

I’ve been trying to assure myself there’s nothing wrong,

but then realizing that something isn’t right.

I’ve been trying to play happy songs,

but ended up listening to sentimental ones.

I’ve been trying to watch comedy shows for a laugh trip,

but still changes the channel to a drama for a weep.

What I’ve been trying to do always ends up otherwise.

Now, I know…

Pretentions will still lead me to my real feelings.

I won’t be able to hide what I feel inside.

I won’t be able to tell the world how fine I am,

when it is in fact otherwise.

I just have to be REAL.

It is soooo cold.

My heart is suffering from a storm, I want sunshine.

I want to frown, instead of smiling.

I’m having bad days, I want it to be through.

I want to shout out loud instead of laughing out loud.

Something isn’t right, so what’s wrong?

I’m sad, I’m not loving this mood.

I just want a way to cry and then get over it.

The hardest thing to do is to admit that somehow,

I was suffering from defeat.

I lost the fight against pretentions.

I can no longer hide myself.

I now have the strength to tell you how I am.

Just don’t ask me questions.

I won’t be able to respond.

`cause until now,

I DON’T KNOW WHY.

- jamittle -

08/05/09

the RAIN.

posted: 080109

i have bipolar feelings when it rains..

two contradictive feelings of being blue and glee.

as the rain once brought my life a heartfelt bliss,

it somehow gives me a sense of longing for that to happen again.

I’m loving the rain, yet i hate storms.

there’s storm between us now..

I wonder when this would end.

- jamittle -

08/01/09

sleepless night

posted: 072609

it’s nearly dawn and i’m still awake.

i can’t even sleep or i just don’t want to try.
my head is spinning, but my brain is blurred.
my eyes are tired but don’t want to rest.
my body is aching from an unergonomic position.
my fingers are fast typing, but can’t seem to complete a sentence -every now and then, i have to use ‘backspace’.

half of the world is asleep, half is wide awake.
I belong to the latter.

i’m in an unlit room, with my sister and niece -sleeping.

i went online 4 hours ago and had someone to talk to.
even to the least expected person (Alen), i opened up myself.. just to burst out what’s inside of me.
i don’t care now what she’ll think.
at least, i made my burden lighter than heavy.

i can now hear the nearby roosters greeting the world, and i would want to envy them for greeting every new mornings with the only language (sound) they can.

what the hell am i writing?
does it make sense?
well, i don’t think so..

this day, or should i say yesterday,
wasn’t a GREAT day.
good as I can describe it though.
the hell with yesterday, it has passed.
no more repeat.

somehow, i felt happiness though.
i met this bunch of freshmen students, and they made me miss my college friends.
how they cared for my cousin, Marga, is totally brotherly.

i talked to God, for i’ve attended the mass at De La Salle instead of wasting my time inside the Centrum, watching amateur performances of JPIAns (Junior Philippine Institute of Accountants- which Marga is a part of) of La Salle, It was kinda boring but don’t get me wrong, i indeed enjoyed some parts of the program.

I spent the last stretch of the night with my friends, She’e, Kim and Jeka at the nearby parlor (Hair Blossoms). and ooooppppsss, a stroll with Paul along Makalintal Avenue.

However, I thought my day would be just fine.
oh no..
i got pissed off.
i’ve been treated invisible!
i don’t deserve that treatment and neither my friends.
i kept calm and composed.
i didn’t even try to act different.

am i unnoticed?
i guess NOT!
i believe you noticed me, he just simply IGNORED me.

i’m pissed off, really.
i can’t seem to hate that person.
although probably he deserved to be.

twelve midnight.
we called it a night, and we’re gone on our separate ways.
thanks to Paul for bringing me home.

i saw the laptop.
opened it.
and until now, i’m using it.
time check - 4:40am.

facebook.
friendster.
yahoo messenger.
multiply.
tumblr.
blogger.

i received a few-minute-call from the snob (W9z).

i spent hours and hours surfing the net.
and a chat with Ando.
Ando understands me.
He’s always been there, having time to listen to things that bothers me.
and i did tell him how my day was.

However, he gave me disappointment this time.
He confessed about a certain event in his life, which i did not know until a while ago.
hmmmmm.
the truth set him free.
he never lied to me, he just didn’t tell me sooner than it should be.
for the benefit of the doubt, i forgave him.
i’ve told him all the things i want to say.
all those hurtful words, but it was nothing compared to the feeling of being betrayed.
and i know, he understood.
that betrayal is through.
our friendship stays strong.

does this entry makes sense now?

aryt. lemme finish this.
as I’ve said, my brain is blurred and I can’t think clear.
maybe due to the things that happened or due to hang over.
eitherway, i’m having a writer’s block!
(kaya magulo ang entry na ‘to!)

oh well,
’til i post another again.

“good morning Philippines!”

time check again -5:12AM

i’ll be turning the laptop off before it gets too hot.
and after i published this.

so long..

-jamittle-

072609